What is the Truth
by Gene49
Summary: "Move on, Jake."  The only words I ever heard now. I regretted returning. Returning three months later to discover than everyone had forgotten, everyone had got on with their lives.


"Move on, Jake."  
>The only words I ever heard now. I regretted returning. Returning three months later to discover than everyone had forgotten, everyone had got on with their lives.<br>We broke the pact once when I told Bella, the Leeches vampires didn't respond.  
>They broke the pact this time. I don't know… I always thought we would start the war. I thought we would have the courage. I overestimated us.<br>"She's dead," Sam said simply when I spoke to him. "She was never one of us, Jacob, she was always one of them and now she's gone. Dead and gone."  
>But she wasn't gone, was she. She was in Alaska. I could get to Alaska in a week.<br>And… and she wasn't dead. Maybe things would be better if she was, maybe then I would be able to move on from this… this stillness. The weeks flicked by and I had no idea how Bella had coped after her Bloodsucker left. How did she endure this stillness? This lifelessness?  
>I spoke to Mike once. That was a conversation I'll never forget.<p>

_"Remember Bella?"  
>He turned, glancing at me over the store counter. "Don't see you guys in the store very often, what brings you here?"<br>"I wanted to talk to you. About Bella."  
>His eyes instantly went guarded when I wouldn't leave the topic. He tried to shrug, to sound casual. "What about her?"<br>"Do you miss her?"  
>"I guess, the accident was pretty tragic. I still find it so hard to believe that all the Cullens died after the wedding."<br>"Of course." That was the story, the lie they were trying to make me believe. It was like everyone had forgotten they were vampires. I knew they were alive. I knew it, I don't see why everyone else was still pretending. I changed track. "If you loved someone and they were alive somewhere. With someone else. Would you find them?"  
>Mike just laughed. "She's gone, Jacob. Move on."<em>

And I wanted to. God, I wanted to so much but I couldn't because every time I closed my eyes she was there and there was no solitude unless I took this human form and was stuck with my own thoughts, my own feelings.  
>I ran, I ran across three countries and I could still <em>hear<em> them. Jabbering in my mind they wouldn't shut up and they knew what I was _feeling _and I couldn't stand it.  
>So I changed. I turned human, stole clothes and came home. When they told me to change I shook my head. When they asked me why I wouldn't I shrugged.<br>They didn't want to know what I was thinking. Leah had made it clear enough. I spoke to her once more afterwards.

_"Do you think Bella will ever return?"  
>"If she does, I'll kill her. Then, maybe, you'll stop prattling on about her." She paused, apparently realising something. "She's a sucker now though, isn't she? Bet you don't like her as much now." A harsh, cruel laugh. "Wonder how that feels? Kind of curious, maybe you're just numb. You don't seem to care anymore." The laugh again. "Maybe I won't kill her, maybe I'll drag her stupid Sucker body to you so you can look at her and get over her." She walked away still cackling.<br>I didn't reply. I didn't tell her that I wouldn't get over Bella, vampire or no. I didn't tell her that I would take Bella anyway. However she came to me, whatever she felt I would take her because that was what love was.  
>That was when I decided never to change again.<em>

The pictures were all gone when I returned from running. The bikes were scrapped, the pictures of her or Charlie or anyone connected to them were burnt.  
>I'll never be able to get out of my head the sight of her house, burnt to the ground. Charlie fled the area and I don't blame him.<br>They broke the pact but we didn't punish them. For some reason, we punished her. I hate being a part of this 'we' I hate being a wolf but I can't escape it. I can only control myself, take a leaf from Bella's book. Turn numb, feel nothing.  
>Try not to forget. Try so hard not to forget because wherever you go you get the same words.<br>_She's dead. Get over her. She's dead. Move on, Jake. Live your life, Jacob. She's not worth this. She's not worth anything.  
>She's dead.<em>

_"Dad, what happened to Bella at the wedding?"  
>"Of course, you ran before it didn't you? I took your invitation, went along out of curiosity and to support Charlie. It was extravagant, a gloriously sunny day but for some reason all the curtains were closed. It felt more like a funeral, funny how things work out."<br>"They didn't die."  
>"Of course they died, their car went off a cliff Jacob."<br>"You knew what they were. They didn't die."  
>And suddenly his eyes were cold. Two black points fixed on me and an element of threat in his voice. "They made a clean break, Jacob. They made a clean break so that we wouldn't go after them. They're dead. She's dead."<br>From that day on he never let himself be that open. They were dead to him. He acted as though Bella had died in a car crash and Charlie had left from grief.  
>Bella didn't die and we forced Charlie away.<em>

I can't talk openly anymore. I tried once, tried to express myself to Quill and Embry, tried to explain that I couldn't accept her as dead and I loved her, vampire or not. I thought they were listening. They offered sympathy as I tried to express my feelings, they tried to understand what I was trying to say.

_I told them, in secret, that I was going to leave. I was going to take the rabbit out, drive to Alaska and find her.  
>When I left the house in secret, my rucksack over one shoulder, I found my tires slashed. I was standing in the dark, confused, when I heard noises behind me. Violent noises.<br>Scared, I ran into the woods. I could hear the cracking of branches behind me and I wanted to run faster, wanted to protect myself.  
>I turned.<br>Then I felt the murderous thoughts in the minds around me and realised I'd done exactly what they wanted. Now they knew where I was. I switched back, too late, and next thing I knew they were attacking.  
>She's dead.<br>A gash across my back.  
>Move on.<br>My nose, shattered against my face. My screams, drowned out by the chanting as they beat it into me.  
>She's dead. She's gone. She's dead. Move on.<br>And eventually, at dawn, they withdrew and Sam knelt next to me, eyes cold. "It's easier this way," he told me, using his Alpha voice to enforce obedience. I should've jumped to obey him but I couldn't find it in myself to care. I was a loner now, in every way.  
>"Where's Bella?" asked Paul, leaning down beside me and leering in my broken face.<br>For a moment, I wanted to rebel, wanted to be the lone wolf and disobey them all, disobey my pack. Then the pain of my injuries hit me and I closed my eyes. "She's dead," I breathed.  
>Satisfied, they pulled away.<em>

And now, what is the truth? I won't be stupid this time. I have a bag of food and a change of clothes. I won't change, won't take a car, won't tell anyone. I am the Loner, I will break off from the pack and I will find my Leech, my Sucker, my Vampire… My Virgo.  
>She might not want me, do I care? Better to be near her then here where she doesn't even exist.<br>Better to be myself, then who they want me to be.  
>Better to live the truth then be gagged here by their lies.<br>Better to be alone...


End file.
